Electric motorbike bastard

By Gavin | December 17, 2009

I forget what song was playing. As a writer, I’m embarrassed by this. I should remember what I was listening to when I got hit crossing the street by a man driving an electric bike. I’m fairly certain the man didn’t honk, though if he did, I probably wouldn’t have heard it. Regardless, it’s not my fault I got mowed down in the street. This happened on Monday afternoon, as I was on my way home from work. The intersection of Shennan Road and Qian hai liu is a bit tricky. With the highway overpass, you have to cross Shennan twice, unless you walk further down the road an use a walking bridge, which Beer Monster and I rarely do to save time. I had my headphones in like I usually do (and won’t do anymore). I had just finished crossing Shennan for the second time and was trying to hurry over Qian hai, as I didn’t know how long the cars had been sitting at the red light. The pedestrian light was red, and while that may seem like a second strike against me, consider this: When the light is green, cars are still driving through where I have to walk. And, anyone who lives in a big city will tell you that when no cars are coming or when cars have a red light, you don’t pay attention to the pedestrian cross signal.

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Parent culture

By Gavin | December 17, 2009

I tutor a man who chose Danny as his English name. He’s such a great guy. He has a kind face, wears glasses, and dresses like a preppy. I was shocked when he told me he was 32. He looks much older. He drove me home Wednesday night. It was the second time he drove me home. The first time, he told me as much as he could about his import-export business. His English is not that good, but it’s better than most. I’d say he’s functionally fluent. He lives within walking distance of where I tutor him, and on Wednesday, we had to walk to his apartment so he could get his keys. He rang his own doorbell – didn’t have those keys, either. An old woman answered the door, and he introduced her as his mother. She escorted me in and motioned for me to sit on a couch while he got the keys. His place was nice: a big fish tank, flat screen TV on the wall, two wrap around couches, one in front of the TV and one in a living area. His apartment was a little bit bigger than mine. From the time we left his home to the time I got out of the car in front of my apartment complex, all we talked about was his living arrangement.

He lives in a three bedroom apartment with his wife, mother, father, and two sons.

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Return of the one-eyed man

By Gavin | December 13, 2009

I just tutored DJ for the first time in over a month. He has been quite busy. I became his tutor through a company that a friend of mine worked for. DJ bought 10 hours of tutoring, and we still have four hours to go. He has agreed that once we have completed the 10 hours that we will cut out the middle man, and he will pay me directly. He said he will pay me 500 RMB for two hours, which is more than I’ve ever been paid for tutoring. The only catch is he wants to do it in his home, which is a solid hour away from me in Luo hu. Whatever – I don’t care. He wants to do it in his home because he never sees his family during the week. He works in Guangzhou, while his family lives here.

“Sometimes my son will call me and ask ‘Daddy, when you come home?’” he said.

He said that makes him sad and happy at the same time.

“Why don’t you just move your family to Guangzhou?” I asked. He obviously has the money to do this.

He doesn’t, though, because “Shenzhen is a better quality city” with “many opportunities” for his children. He also said that he is a registered citizen in Shenzhen, and that it is difficult to change that. … He also lives next to the best school in the city, so if his sons can test into that school, they are right there. … “I am in Guangzhou Monday until Friday. This I can accept,” he said. … I don’t know that I could if I was in his shoes. Then again, he’s away from his wife and his kids and his parents who live with him. … Maybe he’s living the dream. …

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Class 10 all stars

By Gavin | December 13, 2009

At 3 p.m. every Thursday afternoon I teach Senior II Class 10. The class consists of 44 girls and four boys. Once Chinese students reach Senior II, they are already divided into classes according to what they will study in college. Class 3 is a math oriented class, and, not surprisingly, they all seem to hate my class. Class 10 is a liberal arts class. Earlier in the year, when I had a boring lesson, they let me know through indifference. After that class, a girl ran down the hall after me and suggested my classes be more interesting and fun. Well, my fake newscast lesson was exactly what they were looking for because these kids above and beyond what I had expected and they turned our class this week into the best 45 minutes I’ve ever experienced inside a classroom.

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Shenzhen Symphony Orchestra

By Gavin | December 13, 2009

Last night, Beer Monster and I got fancied up and went to the 2009 Shenzhen New Year’s Concert for Expats at the Shenzhen Concert Hall. The “Music Feast,” as it was advertised, was sponsored by the Shenzhen Daily, and it featured the Shenzhen Symphony Orchestra, along with the world’s only Tibetan Opera singer, Dorji Ciren, and Sun Yan, a blind piano player who played Tchaikovsky: Piano Concerto No. 1 in B-flat Minor. There were two violinists, one of whom was this pretty Russian woman named Marianna Terteryan, and she played beautifully. … Over the summer, I began listening to classical music while writing. I did it a handful of times, and I found it to be relaxing. On my birthday, I blasted Beethoven while sitting on my balcony, drinking whiskey and writing in my leather bound journal. If you take the music out of that equation, and it just sounds weird. With the music, I sound just a tad cooler. … But just a tad. … When I was a boy, my mom took my brothers and me to see an orchestra play. She also took us to several musicals. I realize now how important that was. … And nothing is better than classical music – nothing.

We weren’t completely classy last night. We ate dinner at Shenzhen’s lone Dairy Queen before the show. They only have ice cream and hot dogs. I hate three hot dogs: a triple cheese dog, a cheese and bacon dog, and a pepperoni dog. One of my two brothers would have been proud.

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Karma Police

By Gavin | December 13, 2009

Beer Monster stayed out all night Thursday drinking and called in sick on Friday. I figured as much would happen. I left him at the bar at 3 a.m.

“Just hang out a little while longer,” he said.

“This isn’t going to get any more fun,” I said, and then left.

Friday I had an incredible hangover and just wanted to sleep all afternoon. I was done teaching at noon. I considered trying to watch the game, but the NFL Game Pass has been acting up for weeks. It took me 30 minutes to watch one drive during the Raiders loss. The constant freezing is so annoying. I didn’t even waste my time. I just checked the score when I got home. … Heartbroken, I decided to go to bed. But, the constant construction added with Beer Monster’s phone calls prevented that. Finally, Beer Monster texted, “spoilers.”

An hour later, he returned home. It was 3 p.m. He was still in the clothes he wore the night before, and he was on his fourth beer.

“I love Thursday night football,” he said, waving a beer back and forth in the air.

His taunts continued into the night. We invited guys over for a Risk tournament. … We had two Risk boards going at the same time. Yours truly made it to the finals, which has yet to be played. … Beer Monster and I did not play at the same table, but that didn’t stop him from rubbing it in.

“Gavin – hey – Gavin.”

“What?”

“Thursday night football.”

His eyes were lazy, and he wobbled when he walked.

“And now, starting at guard for your New York Knicks, number 23, LeBron James!” I yelled back to him.

“Fuck you, motherfucker, fuck you!”

I had to reassure him that I was joking. Later, once he was eliminated from Risk, he staggered over to me and whispered, “This is the biggest Browns victory of the decade! I gotta rub it in. I’m sorry, but I gotta rub it in.”

“Go ahead. I understand.”

Then he yelled, “Yeah Cleveland! Thursday night football! Hey, Gavin, what was that score again? Oh yeah, I remember, 13 to 6. Brady Quinn’s first NFL victory – Boom!”

I sighed and tried to ignore him. … The fact that it was Brady Quinn’s first victory made it even worse.

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Fake TV News performances, III

By Gavin | December 9, 2009

Six of my classes have performed their fake TV news stories, and so far the highlight has been Class 1.  These are my best students, and they did not let me down.  The best performance in the class was by a group of four boys.  The story they chose: Japanese man marries virtual girl.  When the group got to the front of the room, one of the boys plugged his phone into the computer.  Then, before the boy playing the role of TV Anchor spoke, the theme music for CCTV News began playing.  Everyone started laughing, including me.  While the boy played the Japanese man who married a virtual girl from the game “Love Plus” was explaining to the reporter why he loved his fake girlfriend, another boy in the group played a different song – “My heart will go on,” by Celine Dion, the infamous theme song to Titanic.

It is, by far, the most impressive display of sarcasm I have witnessed in China and one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.  Listening to a Chinese boy, who was wearing a surgical mask because he’s afraid of getting H1N1, say, “I don’t care if she is not real.  I love her so much,” while that damn song played. … It was just priceless.

What made that group even better is that their notes, which I collected, looked like a script for “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”  It went something like this:

TV Anchor: play song, introduce story, and then go to reporter.

Reporter: Interview the Japanese man and ask why he married a computer game girl.

Japanese man: Say why you love girl.

. … I was blown away by this.  It’s as if these guys are moving to Chicago next fall to perfect the art of improvisation.  I lavished these guys with praise.

They weren’t the only impressive group in that class, though.  One group acted out the bank robbery, and the boy who was the robber held a roll of packing tape to his face for some reason during the performance.

I also was impressed by the group that, instead of calling themselves CCTV news like everyone else, called themselves “The Onion News.”  I did not put them up to this.  I repeat: I did not put them up to this.  I asked the group if they knew about the Onion, and the one boy said that he did and read the web site.  I was shocked.  Here is a portion of their script:

R: This is Onion News Reporter.  A robbery happened this morning in Nantou Bank.  A clown with a gun rushed into the bank and took all the money and gave the bank worker a shot.  Now let policeman talk about the details.

Their skit ended by the anchor saying, “Thank you, reporter.  This is onion news!  We provide the latest news.  Thank you for your watching!”

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Fake TV News peformances, II

By Gavin | December 9, 2009

The week got out to a rough start when half of the groups in my first class Monday morning had lost the script they had worked on last week.  I warned them that if this happened I would be upset.  To have this thrown at me first thing Monday morning, I was beside myself with frustration.  I didn’t know what to do.  I couldn’t punish the kids, could I?  I said things like, “We don’t really do work in here.  We watch films and play games and listen to songs.  I didn’t think this was too much to ask.”  Two students promised to work quietly, rewriting their script, while other groups went.  But there were so many groups that lost their scripts. … A few groups ended up improving their skits, which impressed me.  It was class 11, so their English wasn’t without mistakes.  But, I was grateful for their effort.

In the afternoon, one boy said that his group had its entire script on one piece of paper and he was responsible for it.  He asked if his group could go last, and then he wrote everyone’s speaking parts during the class.  The script ended up being the best in that class.  The English was near flawless.  I commended him in front of his classmates, and I could tell the boy was incredibly proud of the praise.

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Fake TV News performances, I

By Gavin | December 9, 2009

Here are portions of some of the scripts I collected in class this week:

Echo: Thanks Zhang.  I’m here at the wedding with a man who married a virtual girl.  Hello, Mr. Pig, can you tell me your feeling?

Mr. Pig: Oh!  This is my perfect day!  I have a beautiful wife.  Although she is not real, but I believe that I can feel her.  I can touch her and I can trust she stand by me forever.

Echo: OK, may god bless you, wish you will happiness.  This interview come to the end, go back to the Zhang.

. … Echo, seriously, is one of my favorite students.  I wish she was my little sister or cousin or something. …

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Really cool blog I found

By Gavin | December 9, 2009

Was on the Google and found a funny blog on this cool site: http://www.lostlaowai.com/blog/china-expat-advice/why-do-foreigners-in-china-drink-so-much/#comment-15006

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